We're Not Broken Just Bent
by Fleur06
Summary: Was Is our Love Enough I didn't like Bensidy breaking up so have written another ending to Downloaded child with that deleted scene and with the fact that Brian couldn't be in it much, so how do they work and keep their relationship going. Bensidy as always
1. Chapter 1

_I know Dean Winters got another show, (damn you Dean for breaking my Bensidy heart) but after reading the deleted scene which will be in this, got me thinking of another ending for Bensidy with Dean not in the show once. _

_This is the ending I would of preferred actually think I would of preferred a Bensidy wedding and baby but hey probably not possible_

_It was harder writing it than I thought as it was a hard Bensidy episode to write_

_Please review it, was trying to write it in Brian's view and Olivia's view and it was hard_

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

"_Talk everything OK, how about dinner tonight"_

"_Usual place"_

"_How about we try that new bistro something different"_

"_What's wrong with the usual place" _

Was that how it all started and went wrong, from this morning to this evening and that photo of baby boy doe and no one wanting him and that she didn't think our relationship would survive if she adopted him like she wanted

Looking at him after it all was it another fight, how many were we having lately he never did want to fight if she was honest she didn't like fighting with him either but the job being in charge, the decisions everything, was he right.

Pouring the glass of wine watching as his back turned to her turning on the TV ignoring her, pouring her glass or wine and sipping it her eyes moving to his back, she didn't want to go out, she didn't want to continue the conversation, she didn't want to tell him she couldn't open up to him and tell him what happened she didn't want to go back to the dark place she wanted to forget Lewis and move on forget what he did to her, the scars were a permanent reminder of the torture but they were slowly fading along with her nightmares.

Was the relationship able to be fixed, was it beyond repair, were they drifting apart. His words from a few moments ago echoing in her head " _I kind of feel we are out of sync"_ if she was honest she wondered if their relationship was able to move forward to the next level or what she wanted a family and kids but she didn't know how to tell him, but here he was telling her.

Looking at Brian watching the TV how did it get to this stage that they were nearly strangers biting her lips she had no idea how to fix it to even attempt it, he wanted something she couldn't give him and she wanted something that she wasn't sure he could give her.

She didn't really want to eat but she was late coming home "Brian what take out do you want?"

Not even turning around "you make the decision Liv, you always do"

Moving her eyes around "that's not fair Brian"

Standing up from the chair turning to look at her "I don't want to fight with you Liv, whatever you want is fine"

Blinking back the tears what was happening to them "Either do I but I can't tell you, I'll order Thai"

Looking at him sitting again watching the TV how had his happened, how did it get like this, they were drifting apart, was the TV more important than them what was there to talk about he tried opening up she shut him down, he wanted to talk to her, what did she say "_I'm tired, your tired" his words piercing through her "we're tired" _.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

_**BRIAN**_

He wanted Liv to open up to him tell me about it, we were drifting apart, out of synch he wanted to fix it there was something he had wanted to tell her for so long but never got the chance and lately we were out of sync, did she really here what he was saying I was trying hard, I wanted to have sex with her but she always went to bed too tired, he couldn't remember the last time we made love we had fallen into a routine.

She was embarrassed by my job at IAB but I got my shield back and out of the night shifts, it though had taken its toll of their relationship what they could talk about, mostly thanks to that idiot partner of hers Amaro he couldn't talk about his work and she could only talk about certain things, not the best for a couple who had just moved in together but I couldn't be picky now. But he was so proud of her becoming Sergeant in SVU, his girlfriend Sergeant Benson.

But with her being Sergeant it was taking over, her work and being in charge, even now she was talking about the case I wanted to talk about us, work things out. He cooked her breakfast but she couldn't even stay for that I wanted to talk to her. Here she was wanting to try new things, was that saying something about us was she getting bored.

He had wanted to move in with her, take the huge step it, after having her live with him for 8 weeks he got used to it and liked having someone to come home to, the first few weeks or more were hard with the intimate contact but we got through it. He loved living with her, coming home to her lying in bed next to her each night, he just loved her.

All he could guess is what she went through the scars on her body the way she was, the emotional scars took longer to heal than the physical ones and even now those emotional ones were still there.

He didn't want to fight with her I wanted to talk and sort things out, he loved her, there is was those three words that he hadn't yet told her, would there be the correct time to tell her that.

Turning to watch the television seemed the easier option she didn't want to open up I didn't want to get into an fight with her damn didn't she realise how much I wanted her, how much he wanted to be with her. Whilst they played it safe at first neither of them wanting a commitment he knew he was the safe easy option for her, the odd hook up, damn even Valentine was several days early so they didn't have to define their relationship.

The trip to the Bahamas was amazing for Christmas, the moment he saw her again something within him came alive she was the one he wanted to be with and couldn't imagine his life without her, maybe I should tell her that. He wanted to work it out but did she?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo

_**OLIVIA **_

Lying on the bed how did they get into another argument, she was late coming home from work due to the case with Jenny and he didn't even care, was this how it was going to be, there was a time they both talked about their work and our day now he wasn't even interested, could she blame him she was late and bringing the work home all the time, biting his head off for the smallest of things.

Her eyes moving around the bedroom their things on the dressing table the whole conversation going over in her head as soon as she walked into the apartment.

I walked into the apartment _"sorry I am late" he had already pushed the dinner reservation back and turned off the TV as soon as I walked in, as I walked over to him kissing him on the lips maybe I shouldn't of asked what he wanted to talk about_

_Looking up at the ceiling "I kind of feel we are out of sync"_

_Touching his arm what was happening "Brian what's going on"_

"_Liv when we moved in together I thought we'd get loser but honestly it feels we had more fun when we were just hooking up_

_I couldn't' look at him as he was telling the truth "I hear you" and I did there was something not right I just didn't have the courage yet to tell him_

_He then said "Do you" and I honestly did but I just didn't know how or when to tell him instead the lounge looked more appealing the whole apartment instead of looking at him he had the courage to say what I couldn't, or was it I didn't want to lose him after all. _

_Then he started with Lewis and not once that I told him what happened and I did go through the worse possible time but I didn't' want to talk about it he didn't need to know. Depsite knowing he wouldn't treat me or look at me differently maybe the images in his head would tell something else, he knew afterwards he didn't believe what I told him._

_Was I protecting myself and not him, his words "are you protecting yourself" he did know me, and I was I didn't want to admit it not when he helped me so much _

"_Know what I don't want to fight with you anymore" I didn't want to fight with him or go out anymore. _

_I had to try to smooth things over but then he said We're tired" that word and turned away and turned the TV on. All I could do is look at him whilst I poured myself a drink of red wine, the thing that has gotten me through so much lately that wine. Taking a sip his back was turned and the television on meaning he didn't want to talk or fight and the tension was there, but did I want to open up and talk to him, I can't. _

She loved Brian that much she was sure off, even though he hadn't told her but she couldn't open up to him. The images would never totally go away in her head she just didn't want to tell him or have any of them in his head. She wanted to forget Lewis existed and would he look at her differently.

She wanted to talk to him but just couldn't about moving forward the pregnancy test a couple of months ago when she thought that door hadn't closed that maybe she could have what she had always dreamed off, but it was negative he was relieved maybe she should have been but instead she was disappointed. Maybe she should of told him in another way but she had no idea of his reaction and took the way that was the least amount of discussion before she knew.

_**Out of sync**_ she couldn't get that out of her head, hooking up was that all it was sex for a while, if she wasn't assaulted by Lewis and moved in with him, would they just still be hooking up or would they have moved on.

What was happening to them, he had obviously been thinking about it, were they really out of sync and growing apart could she really tell him how he she felt and what would happen then, did he still want to be with her, they did need to talk but she didn't know if she could.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

_This has taken months to write, I don't know if I would ever be really happy with it, as it is one of the hardest fanfics to write as I love Bensidy and that episode is still so hard to watch (can't even remember most of the other scenes only the Bensidy ones and the scene in Lindstrom office)_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you for the reviews and following. **_

_**I hated the way they ended Bensidy and even with Brian leaving hoped it could of worked some other way. **_

_**This is the hardest fanfic I have written and takes me a while to try to finish the chapter and be happy with it, I think it would never be published if I wanted it perfect. **_

_**Some of this is taken from the show and the deleted scene and I've added my part to it**_

_**A few chapters will deal with Beasts Obsession as that was part of the storyline and how and why Brian wasn't there or we weren't shown him being there. **_

_**Please review if you like it and if you want something added let me know and I will see, I still miss Bensidy and think I always will **_____

OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Dinner was a silent affair with the odd conversation, she sat next to him she wanted to say something anything in a way, the case weighing on her mind and the need to talk to Brian all she could say was "we okay Brian?"

Those three words, were they okay, were they able to work things out were they at a point where the relationship would go no more what was happening between them all he could say "I don't know Liv, you don't want to talk and open up and I don't know any more I really don't"

Nothing else was spoken between them except the odd sentence, she didn't want to think about it neither of them did but where did it leave them as a couple.

"I can't Brian not yet"

He turned the TV down for the time being "that's the problem here we're not talking, we're not communicating. Things were so much easier when we were just hooking up, I thought we would grow close Liv, but look at us now."

Reaching out to gently touch his arm "I know Brian and I'm sorry"

"Would you please Stop apologising Liv"

Nodding "I'm" shaking her head she was sorry

Turning to look at her the frustration in his voice "I want to be with you Liv, but we hardly have sex I can barely remember the last time we made love and when we do sometimes it feels like you just do it to keep me happy. I've never pressured you into it especially after Lewis and never would. We used to have sex all the time amazing incredible mind blowing sex. You don't open up and tell me how you feel"

Snapping at him "Is this what it is all about, you're barely home away undercover, I'm now in charge of SVU do you have any idea how demanding that is. Can we talk about this some other time"

Turning back to the TV "that's the problem you NEVER want to talk Liv and we need to"

Getting up off the chair feeling slightly defeated "I'm tired and got an early start tomorrow, I'm going to bed"

Snapping at her "We're tired" Putting the volume back up on the TV was this how it was going to be, he didn't want it to be, he wanted Olivia but things had changed and he wanted to fix it.

OOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

Lying in bed it was either go to bed first or wait until Brian was going to bed, she knew they needed to talk but she didn't know what to say she was afraid of losing him and needed to know she was making the right decision she needed to tell him what she thought that she wanted more.

Slowly changing into his broad shorts when was the last time they had made love it had been ages she had her pregnancy scare was this

His voice gentle "Liv, I know you're not asleep"

Seeing her not moving slipping into his side of the bed turning off the light leaning over to kiss the top of her head "good night babe"

She truly did love Brian and that was the problem she hadn't told him that what started off as something casual, easy and comfortable had turned into something serious and she realised a while ago that she did love him and wanted to be with him, it was more than comfort, he was someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with the only problem she didn't know if he felt the same or wanted what she wanted.

A smile on his face as he feels her turning around leaning against him, her arm draped across his chest his hand running down her arm

oooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**DR LINDSTROMS OFFICE**

Sitting in the chair that is all now too familiar how long had she been going there, her Olivia Benson was going to therapy and it had really helped her, she had told Nick a long time that she was right sending people to him, she had sent Jenny to him. He had made her open up about what had happened, made her realise it wasn't her fault that she was able to move on with life and Brian and those days and months after her kidnapping and assault these sessions helped her more than she thought or realised.

She didn't want to talk about herself today her mind was occupied on Jenny it was better to be occupied on her than her own relationship trouble.

He was having none of that, she said she was fine, she should of known he wouldn't leave it at that

"What about you and Brian in the last session you told me you were unsure if the relationship would make the next step and you were afraid to tell him"

She glanced at him briefly before having to admit what she didn't want to talk about "want to hear something funny he told me that"

"he did"

Her eyes moving towards him briefly before moving down her hands fiddling it was hard to say "yeah in his own way he said we were not in sync"

There she had said it those words she didn't want to admit that he was feeling something too was he growing tired of her.

"how do you feel about that"

Her eyes moving around the room "it hurt to hear it from him and deep down I knew but I didn't want to admit it but he wanted to talk" there she admitted it out allowed "He wants me to open up about Lewis and I can't do that"

"he did, why can't you tell him, would it make a difference"

Her eyes down to her hands fiddling with them "he thinks I'm protecting myself and maybe I am but those images I don't want them in his head I don't want him to look at me differently, the months following the assault when I was with him, he held me through every nightmarehe wouldn't walk in when I was getting dressed, he was so caring and wonderful but part of me wonders would he look at me differently" shaking her head "I just can't" she couldn't she didn't want to bring it all up she had tried to forget

Her voice soft "I don't want to lose Brian I don't know how to say it"

The voice inside her head "_or if I want to say it did I want to believe everything was okay when it wasn't and didn't want to hear it why do I keep pushing him away" _

A knock on the door "is that it, is it over" glancing at her watch it didn't seem like time, saved by the bell it seemed, part of her was relieved but there was a part that had no idea what she was going to do

_**TWO DAYS LATER**_

He had everything ready he had to try to work things out with her, the table set with candles hearing the door open seeing Olivia enter "Welcome home"

Looking around the apartment a small smile on her face confused "what's all this?"

"I'm making an attempt"

Hanging up her coat "it's nice"

"…..How was your day?"

Looking at Brian "you sure?"

Nodding pouring her a glass of wine "yeah"

Taking a sip of the wine "Not good… we found out Jenny was abused as a girl. Raped byher stepfather, thousands of images downloaded on the internet"

Putting the glass down "we had to show them to her so she could ID herself'

As the last of the plates taken off the table walking over to Brian wrapping her arms around his waist "Thank you"

Turning around his arms around her waist kissing the top of her head

"this means a lot Bri, making the effort"

"Liv, there is something that's been on my mind for a long time now I think about but never told you, something that I feel I need to tell you"

Was this what the dinner was about stiffening up moving her hands away slightly her eyes moving downward "go head I can take it"

Moving his hand from her hips "no not like that not at all not even close… I Love you" his heart racing unable to stop his eyes blinking

Feeling her heart stop looking up at him "I love you too Brian, Always will"

Looking up at Brian seeing his eyes slightly wet it had taken so much for him to say that she was in love with him and hearing him say that she wanted to try to work things out.

Her fingers brushing his lips as her mouth finds his as the kissing intensifies as his mouth opens her hand moving down to his jeans fumbling to undo his zipper before taking off his shirt.

She was hungry for him she hadn't realised how much she had missed his touch

"Liv, are you sure, this isn't what this dinner was about"

Bringing her fingers up to his lips "I know, but I want you god how much I want you inside of me now, I want to fuck you so hard"

Lying in his arms afterwards her fingers drawing over his chest both of them getting their breathing back to normal. The pent up frustration everything coming out the sex wild and fast at first then slow and passionate.

"I've missed this Bri, that was amazing"

His arm still around her the other stroking her hair "incredible"

The problems still there he needed to still talk to her, to tell her something important.

_Right from the start You were a thief You stole my heart And I your willing victim _

_I let you see the parts of me That weren't all that pretty And with every touch you fixed them_

_Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh Things you never say to me, oh, oh_

_Tell me that you've had enough Of our love, our love_

_Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough_

_Just a second we're not broken just bent_

_And we can learn to love again_

_It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts_

_We're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again_

_I'm sorry I don't understand Where all of this is coming from_

_I thought that we were fine (Oh, we had everything)_

_Your head is running wild again My dear we still have everythin'_

_And it's all in your mind (Yeah, but this is happenin')_

_You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh_

_There's nothing more than empty sheets Between our love, our love_

_Oh, our love, our love_

_Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough_

_Just a second we're not broken just bent_

_And we can learn to love again I never stopped_

_You're still written in the scars on my heart_

_You're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again_

_Oh, tear ducts and rust I'll fix it for us_

_We're collecting dust But our love's enough_

_You're holding it in You're pouring a drink_

_No nothing is as bad as it seems We'll come clean_

_Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough_

_Just a second we're not broken just bent_

_And we can learn to love again_

_It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts_

_That we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again_

**I just had to put the song in as I love the song and the words I thought fitted in, as there love isn't broken just bent and they can learn to love again. **

**I can't listen to this song without thinking of Bensidy sad very sad**

**Follow on twitter **

**Addicted to bensidy Suzywinn**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thank you for the reviews **_

_**I have never really put a song at the end but could imagine that playing at the end and the words felt so true to their relationship and makes me thing of Bensidy when I hear it. **_

_**Hope you enjoy this part and please review**_

OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

Walking into the apartment he had wanted to talk to Olivia last night but he couldn't bring himself to do it hanging up his coat walking over kissing the top of her head "hey babe"

Grabbing a beer walking over to the lounge "Liv….. I know we've been stuck and I want us to work things out, I don't know what happened"

"I've been thinking about it, we found each other at the lowest point in our lives. You got shot, demoted, I got ….. hurt. You got me through that"

His eyes not moving from hers "we've been there for each other"

Nodding her eyes not moving from his her voice soft "yes and maybe that's what it was suppose to be. I still think about having a family, do you ever see yourself having kids with me growing old with me"

His eyes looking down "I just don't see myself growing old"

Reaching out tilting his face up "you don't do you"

His hand reaching for hers "Liv…I have been asked to go back Undercover for a few months and I'm thinking about it. I meant what I said last night that I love you but I think maybe for this relationship to work the time apart will be good for us. I will be out of contact a lot of that time, but we can still meet up"

"have the odd hook up again" the words spat out

Reaching out touching her face "not like that, I do want to be with you and I know you want a family, I don't know how I feel about that"

Her eyes looking at him "you were relieved when I wasn't pregnant last time" slight accusation in her voice

Exasperation in his voice "you sprung it on me all of a sudden like you had to tell me but didn't want to, you were getting ready for work and you were dressed and having a cup of tea when you said _Brian I think I could be pregnant I'm buying a test on the way to work _then you walked out of the apartment and rang me at work asking if I could talk, I was relieved but not for the reasons you thought I just didn't think it was the right time for us to have a baby"

"Would there be a right time" her voice sharp

Shrugging "maybe but you were so stressed and busy with work, being in charge, I wasn't home as much, I had just been transferred to IAB, Cragen had just left I just didn't think we were ready for a baby then"

"what about now" her voice soft

Reaching out tilting her head to look at him "Liv if you were pregnant then or now I would support you and stand by you"

"Support me and stand by me" she exploded

"I'd love the kid Liv, just like I love you" the frustration coming out "at the moment I don't think either of us are ready to become parents, maybe one day when things have settled down"

Getting up off the seat the anger in her voice "I'm not getting any younger, my biological clock is ticking over, one day might be too late"

Turning to face her trying to get her to understand "if it is too late Liv, we could adopt or foster if necessary, one day yes I probably would love to have a family with you but just not yet. I don't want to fight with you again"

Walking towards the bedroom turning to face him "Brian just tell Tucker you will go undercover its obviously what you want. "

OOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Splashing water over her face trying to prevent the tears from falling the conversation didn't go as planned she should of known that he didn't want kids, and would prefer to go undercover than spend time with her. He often since the moved in had he gone undercover again even if it was for a few days or so, he missed her Sergeant passing due to being undercover he couldn't even make that.

Seeing Liv on the bed her head down he hated seeing her like this, watching as her head slowly comes up "maybe there's something more right for each of us"

Kneeling on the floor next to her bringing her face up to look at her "Liv, you are what I want and who I want to be with only you, but I do think the time apart will help us decide what we want from each other and this relationship. We have grown apart and I want us to be close again I really do. If you want to part then I will accept that"

Seeing her blink back the tears his fingers running gently up her face wiping them away kissing her forehead feeling her lips softly and gently on his

Her voice soft "maybe you are right and this is what we need. I want a family Bri I always have"

His forehead moving slowly forward touching hers "I know babe I know"

He did know that and had all along which was fine when things were casual but now it was something else, something he wasn't sure if he would ever be ready for.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Blinking back the tears in his eyes as he packs the last of his things he kept telling himself it wasn't forever just a few months and hopefully in a few weeks or so he could meet up with her somewhere.

She couldn't watch him pack, part of her was wanting to go to work to avoid saying goodbye, would she see him again was this going to be forever their last goodbye, would he come back to her or enjo the time away from her and meet someone else.

Watching as he picks up his cases taking them to the door turning to look at her "I'm not saying goodbye as it isn't I'll see you soon"

Nodding was all she was able to do not able to move it was real he was walking out he was going away, she didn't want him to go, running over to him "I'll miss you so much Bri"

Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck her lips finding his parting his mouth open as her hands move down unzipping her pants

He knew a car was there soon waiting for him but he craved her touch one last time for a while, his hands moving down her body too.

It wasn't slow it was passionate but furious, they couldn't get enough of each other, unable to make it to the bedroom leaning on the kitchen counter, she needed his touch now, she needed him inside of her she craved him and wanted him.

Picking up the clothes thrown everywhere as he held her one more time "I will miss you so much babe and I can't wait to see you again"

Kissing the top of her head before going to the door his voice breaking "I'll call you as soon as I can"

All she could do was nod she was numb, the pain was overwhelming she didn't want to think this was goodbye but somewhere she wondered if it was if he would realise that he didn't want what she wanted, if he didn't want a family or to be with her forever or meet someone else. She wanted him but part of her did wonder if they could take ti the extra step he never said no but for some reason she wasn't sure. Was this his way of letting her down gently her insecurities about relationships coming back she couldn't tell him what she thought as she watched him walk out.

The door closed behind him all she could do was watch his retrieving back racing to the front door calling out "Brian, I will miss you too, I love you I always will"

"I love you too Liv, always will" before walking away trying to put one foot in front of the other, he only hoped this wasn't goodbye and that in a few months that the relationship would be stronger than it was now and that they would survive.

Closing the door looking around the empty apartment walking into the bedroom staring at the mirror the tears forming in her eyes, wiping them away with both hands she couldn't stop them from falling she wanted to be strong but she couldn't he was the man who had stood by her through the worse time and she had to wonder if the relationship was strong enough to survive. 

OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

_I'd tell myself you don't mean a thing, But what we got, got no hold on me_

_But when you're not there I just crumble I tell myself I don't care that much,_

_But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch, _

_Only love, only love can hurt like this, Only love can hurt like this_

_Must have been a deadly kiss Only love can hurt like this_

_Say I wouldn't care if you walked away, But every time you're there I'm begging you to stay,_

_When you come close I just tremble And every time, every time you go, It's like a knife that cuts right through my soul_

_Only love, only love can hurt like this Only love can hurt like this,_

_Must have been a deadly kiss, Only love can hurt like this, Only love can hurt like this_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Thank you for the reviews. **_

_**Been a long while between chapters sorry, Sorry its taken so long but I had to watch Beast's Obsession and Post Mortem Blues again for this and I ended up watching the whole 5 Wiliam Lewis/Olivia episodes and then trying to put it all down was harder at first then got easier then longer. **_

_**This part is from Beast's Obsession and why Brian wasn't there. that was one thing I didn't like about this episode was her having to go through it all without Brian but then would she have still done it if she was with him, knowing she had someone in her life**_

_**The parts in Italics and bold writing is the words from the show and flashbacks to what happened in Beast's Obsession and Surrender Benson **_

_**I decided to try to write this from Olivia's point of view instead of the way I usually write as it is about her this chapter leading up to Cassidy too **_

_**Hope you all enjoy reading it **_

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

The relief I felt when I asked Nick but I couldn't even say it, I couldn't say that word did he but Nick knew what I meant I was only a shell of who I was the numbness there would I get past all of this, he wanted to get inside my head and he had succeeded.

"_**She was bait"**_

"_**for me, he got what he wanted" **_

And he did get what he wanted, he didn't care about the public apology it was to get to me to get control over me and I let him do it, did I really think he would release Amelia why was I surprise by what he did now did I really expect it to be easy that I would turn up and he would release her.

I knew after making the public apology I was screwed, it had haunted me for a while lying on the stand but as Dr Lindstrom said would I prefer Lewis to get off, no but it still was wrong I perjured myself and he knew that and wanted me to pay for it, despite my perjury he still went to jail still got a long sentence yet here he had escaped.

Nick asked me earlier if I was okay, and I wasn't ok and this time I would admit it, this time he had gone too far to get my attention to get to me and it had worked I was going to make that press release but Murphy was right, finally when I was moving on here was Lewis free wanting me to come to him, wanting to be in control of what I did.

Murphy was right all along it was a game for him, he didn't care about the girl all he wanted in his sick perverted mind was me and he got what he wanted.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"_**Can I call anyone for you, family"**_

"_**No there is….., I'm fine" **_

What was i to say I had no family well not really Simon would call ME out of the blue mainly when he needed my help and well the only other person was Brian. The one person who Lewis had tormented me with, the one who I thought of with the gun held against my head, the one person I was truly in love with but even then I didn't want to tell him about this I didn't want to go through it all with him, I could picture him in my head when he had the gun against it, that I never got to say goodbye to him, that he would blame himself for it all, that I loved him like I have never loved anyone before that I wanted to grow old and have a family with him and I thought all of that was going to be taken away.

After those few words and the nurse saying Hang in there Sergeant and a few more prods and she was gone I had Nick for a short while but really I was alone, alone in a dark place going back to where I had been.

Nick had left and gone back to the rest of them, as much as I liked my partner with me I did want to be myself I didn't really want to think or talk about it with anyone, the shock was still there of what happened the images probably never leaving my mind, he got what he wanted he really did.

Lying on the bed waiting for the nurse to come back, being prodded the blood finally off my face, the photos taken and something for my heart and blood pressure it was finally slowing down, at one stage it felt like I was going to explode .

My mind going to Brian anything other than what just happened "_I have something to tell you, no not like that not at all not even close_ _I love you Liv" _in all our time together he had never said those words, I loved him too, it just took us a while to get there but his actions spoke louder than words in all those times, except for the one thing I wanted.

Brian, my boyfriend the one who was away undercover, was he aware of what had happened, had Tucker told him he had been in my thoughts I could see his face Lewis taunting me he was the one face I could see the one that kept me going when I started to doubt if I had done the right thing. I wondered if I would ever see him again, could I ever explain to him why I did what I had to do, could I really explain it to anyone.

Would he understand why I did what I did, would he of blamed himself if something had happened, would he get it that Amelia's life was in danger because of me, because of what I did on the stand.

"_Look You went thought the worse time of your life you know with Lewis and the trial and do you realise that you never once not once told me what happened to you" _

Would it be different now would I open up to him now tell him what happened the pain I was feeling now was different to the pain I felt back all those months ago that was a physical pain this is a emotional pain, one I was fighting for my life this time I was fighting a different fight. Could I would I ever open up to him would this be the thing that pulled us apart unable to fix it.

My mind drifted back to the previous hours, closing my eyes it was all coming back everything that had happened as soon as he sent that text to me he knew what he was doing, he knew I would come and get her, he knew he would get what he wanted, he wanted me to see what he could do to me I was the one person who put him in jail and now I was the one person he wanted more than anything and would use anyone to get to me.

"_**After all our time together Olivia I feel like you don't even know me"**_

"_**Did you really expect it to be that easy" **_

No it was mind games to him, a game to have complete and utter control over me Olivia Benson, to see a therapist, did I really think it would be easy I would turn up and Amelia would be there, I apologised and nothing yet here when I turned up, his hands moving over my body roughly pulling off my vest taking my gun and throwing away the phone

He knew he could be as rough as he wanted as he had what I wanted the 12 year old girl and that I would do anything to save her, I wanted to save the girl but at what cost it had to come at a cost I was giving up everything I knew that when I agreed to come I was giving up my life a future with Brian would he understand, why was it the young girls that I wanted to save and not myself was it the younger Olivia that no one would help that I was wanting to help.

"_**We will keep the radio so they can hear you scream"**_

His hand roughly moving over my body, how long had it taken last time for me to let Brian touch me again, for me not to flinch at anyone's touch, for us to become intimate again to make love, for him just to fuck me hard like we used to. His hands were rough as he took my gun, threw away my phone. I screamed last time it all took me off guard I didn't want those memories back the pain and torture he inflicted on me then, I would not give him that satisfaction again

Again my hands were cuffed again I had lost the control the only difference was this time it was me who let it happen, me who came to him, I know Brian would of tried to talk me out of it, wouldn't of understand all because of his love for me despite knowing my job his love and protection was strong, but I need to do this, I need to end it all, to end his control over me to finally stop it all. I knew if police were involved I would have no chance of finding Amelia and he would have no hesitation of killing her and even now he probably still could.

The back seat of the car trying not to remember the duct tape on my mouth, my hands cuffed behind my back shaking my head the gun shots of him shooting the officer, the alcohol forced down my throat, the ride was bumpy and he knew it but I was keeping my guard up keeping my bearings trying to keep the flashbacks at bay, trying not stop them taking over I can do it.

Would they find me where he took me it was abandoned, I just had to take it all in and hope they would find us before it was too late.

My eyes scanning everything, how long would it take them to search it all, the whole area it was huge I couldn't show fear I couldn't show any affect he was having on me.

"_**Oh**_ _**Lord, you're not having flashbacks now are you it is very common; PTSD is real" **_

"_**You lie in bed at night, and wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'm in the room with a gun to your head"**_

The gun was then pushed into the back of my neck I know he wouldn't do anything now or would he I tried not to but I did recoil what did I tell him not to flatter himself I would never give him that satisfaction to know how true those words are, how even with the trial I pulled a gun on Brian, that the flashbacks that once happened so often had subsided to a couple a month. PTSD was real the flashbacks happened all too often, how I hadn't opened up to Brian not once, he could only imagine what happened from the cold sweats and flashbacks, could I ever tell him or anyone what he did to me.

Even now walking along I was trying to focus on the present and remain strong I was not going to give him any satisfaction nothing, I wanted to see the girl that was all I was going to think about.

How true those words were, how many nightmares did I have, how many times would I wake up shaking, reliving what happened to me, how often would Brian hold me, or find me curled up, how often those flashbacks often. How I would see him open my eyes as he was there, he would shoot Brian or myself. How something that could of torn us apart brought us closer together so much that I re eveulated our relationship redefined our relationship what was something casual made both of us realise how much we meant to each other.

I would wake up with the gun pointed at me when he walked into the apartment the gun down my throat "_I'll do anything, I want to live_" that I had called those words out.

PTSD is real I should know that now all too much it had for a long while affected how I lived.

"_**there is nothing to be ashamed of Olivia all my girls go through it, I am an agent of change and I alter the trajectory of people's lives". **_

"_**they might have hopes and dreams before they meet me but then they run into me and life as they know it is gone."**_

"_**You could be getting out of a car, opening a door, and you might just hear a sound but you still thinks of me".**_

I didn't want to let him think he had any effect of me and that whatever affect he think he had on me it is in his head.

How true that was, I saw him in the lift I pulled a gun on Brian I heard a sound and punched a guy, that now my life had changed before I was more carefree now I am not. That I punched a guy for just talking to me, that I was on edge, that my gun was close at hand. I was not going to let him completely rule my life, he was not going to get into my head, he was not going to get what he wanted this time, but one look around me told me that he would already had gotten what he had partly wanted me and it was to keep on going.

That what he said is true but I am moving on and a lot of it was to do with Brian he had been there for me, even without me opening up he had made me happy and complete he was the perfect fit to my complicated life.

This was psychological this time I was getting that the gun was used last time this time he put it under my chin and pulled me closer to him his body that close to me I didn't want his touch on me but I knew that would change

"_**Ðo you dream about me at all"**_

Why would I dream about him how could I admit he had been in my thoughts for such a long time that I did dream of him, that he comes into my thoughts when I don't want him too, that he invades my thoughts how I would never tell anyone that not even Brian.

I have to let him believe it is all in his head he was the one who came back for me, the one obsessed with me. Cassidy why did he have to bring him up, my boyfriend closing my eyes very briefly I didn't want to think of Brian did he even know what was happening, no I changed it quickly telling him he was obsessed with me, he could be in Canada by now, escaped but no he had to come back to me

I would never admit to him that I had suffered nightmares for months afterwards, I would wake up shaking, yelling that it was 2 months before I was able to go back to work, that it wasn't only physical damage he had done but a lot of emotional too, it was a long time before I could even be intimate with Brian or even let him see me naked. I moved one, my relationship with Brian became stronger because of him we moved in together and actually became closer.

"_**Do you find it hard to trust after what we went through"**_

"_**Do you see a therapist, Promise me you 'll see a therapist after this**_

The nightmares had all by subsided and now this, trust I had always had issues with trust yes I trusted Nick as my partner, and Brian as my boyfriend I trusted them both with my life but that was it, being in the job I was in I didn't trust much.

This time the torture wasn't physical as much as psychological, he delighted in seeing the fear and the shaking. Walking through with the gun trained at me the whole way, my hands tied behind my back hoping and praying that they would find the car and me in time, that I could actually save Amelia

"_**the therapist probably sits there and tells you your is working through it and you can be whole again, hes lying"**_

_**I've seen in the victim impact statements that nobody ever recovers"**_.

I am recovering and will again, all I want is Amelia not this crap from Lewis trying to get into my head about it all, trying to get me to beg again I am not going to do it he is not going to have all the control over me, not my mind this time.

In remembered I didn't want it mentioned to Jimmy about the nightmares still there but fading, that people knew I was seeing a therapist how could I not after it all and yes it helped, he was helping me more than I realised, despite the awful assault I was moving forward slowly and gradually.

He might have control over my body so far and using me as a puppet to get to Amelia but I will not give him total control yet.

Our agreement was to take me to Amelia deep down all of this, I wondered if it was a trap if he still had Amelia but I had to hope that he was telling the truth and he hadn't killed her yet.

Then I see her her arms tied up I tell her everything is going to be ok how I wish it was true but I need to have some hope. I want her to be released he has me now, I should of known that he wouldn't do it. That is all up to me and what I will do for him

"_**You have me now Lewis, let the girl go"**_

"_**I have you both now, I could do you... Have her watch... Or I could do her and have you watch. Either way I'm good." **_

"_**do what you have to do" **_

He will get what he wanted the first time.

Why was I surprised by this, why was I surprised that he would make Amelia watch whatever torture he was going to do to me. Did I actually think he has some decency in him that he would actually keep his word after I went on the news and 6 hours later there was still nothing, why did I still try to believe him, I knew the answer that the slightest bit of hope I had to save her.

He knew I wouldn't let him rape Amelia that I would do anything to protect her, the fear I felt I tried to hide, how he was going to brutally rape he had already padded me down roughly groping me roughly, this was going to be no different.

Slamming me down on the table, my hands tied to the table, did he really think with Amelia there I would do something, I probably would if I could, but yes I was buying time by letting him rape me, do what you have to do, would he do it, it hurt to say those words, something I had fought against my entire life, something I fought so hard so long ago in the basement and in the beach house, he had known how to get what he wanted I could already feel the pain, he was going to take what he had wanted for so long something he never got the first time round. I could hear Amelia quietly sob this wasn't her fault it was all mine, she was here because of me well Lewis's vendetta against me

Pulling my head around feeling his lips upon mine it took all my strength not to fight not to throw up, his lips on mine hard his tongue trying to find its way into my mouth, prying my lips open to enter my mouth I didn't want to feel anything, his touch was so rough so different to Brian's my lips were swollen last time, his mouth was hard.

His hands released my head but it was no relief as they moved towards my buckle undoing my buckle , my eyes staring straight ahead trying to forget where I was, trying to forget what was going to happen I could already feel the pain that he would inflict on me the throbbing between my legs trying to breath normally, breath Olivia just breathe, taking all my self control not to fight him, for a moment I did then I let my mind wander, wander to nicer things, seeing Brian in front of me, our happy times, moving in together, our welcome party, his hands moving around my back, leaning against his shoulder, my rock. His smiling face in front of me trying to get out of what was happening here and now, how I was buying time until someone came how long would it take. I didn't want to think about what our relationship would be after this, if I would let him touch me or how long before we had sex again, my hand gripping the table tightly, trying to forget it all trying to forget what is about to happen.

Coming back to the present, he hadn't forced himself inside of me, I didn't feel him at any of my entrances, my hands were still gripping the table tightly my eyes and body now back to where I was in the grainery, for a moment I had wanted to fight him off waiting for what was to come, his hands on my buckle, his hands on my face the taste of his tongue in my mouth, his lips on mine before groping me again. His mouth moving around my face getting himself all worked up as he let go

"_that's all you're going to give, going to play possum, okay new game, my rules"_

The repulsion I felt and the wanting to fight him with all I had hoping that without a fight it would turn him off, enough for him not to rape me, would my relationship with Brian survive a second time knowing he had invaded my body, the relief was short lived when he moved away I should of known more was to come that the worse was not over that I was giving up everything to protect Amelia and with the gun against my head that included my life who then would protect her, would they find her in time would it all be too late.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Walking into the room again Olivia was there in body but that was about all, she was a shell of her former self would she be able to come back from this, he saw her buckle undone, but couldn't bring himself to ask her if she was raped, in part he didn't want to know.

Her eyes were staring straight ahead she was in a world of her own a world that no one but her and Lewis knew what went on.

Her face was blank the few words she had uttered to him was about Amelia she was a hero as such, she went after Lewis and he was dead the blood that was splattered all over her face would Olivia be able to come back from this, would she pull through again.

His voice tentative not wanting to scare her "Liv"

His voice slightly louder "Liv"

Walking closer to the bed bringing his hand out hesitantly touching her

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

The voice was louder the touch on my arm recoiling at the touch it was instinct I didn't want to show a reaction but even as gentle as that touch was I wasn't ready for it

"Liv" looking up trying to focus my mind coming back to the here and now "nick"

I was trying to smile but it was hard but a sad smile did slightly come to my face trying to show I was okay and was going to get through it all but it was hard

"you ready to go, Lt Murphy got rid of IAB for the time being, there are reporters everywhere, stay with Fin and I we'll take you back to your house"

Feeling his hand on my arm guiding me out it was like all those months ago Brian leading me out of the precinct, reporters downstairs everywhere, Brian pushing his way through "Back off" his voice had an edge to it protective the glare no one daring to go near him.

"you're a hero Liv, you took down Lewis and saved that girl, they all want a piece of that when you're ready"

I knew I would have to make a statement somehow but not yet but would I ever be ready to go back there in front of everyone again.

Instead I nodded I wanted to go back to our apartment to curl up and forget this ever happened to be where I felt safe.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

_**Sorry it was much longer than I thought and still longer but I broke it in two once I started I couldn't stop and watching and rewatching and reading articles etc it all came to me. **_

_**I know many have written about Lewis and the beast and I wasn't going to but it was all part of the Bensidy story I have and what was in the actual show. **_

_**Hope you enjoy it. Was trying to portray why she risked her life even when she had Brian in it, there is still more to come including Brian's part so stay tuned. **_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Thank you for the reviews and favourites here is the second part to it**_

_**Hope you enjoy it all. **_

OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo

"_**Want me to call Cassidy"**_

"_**um no I spoke to him already" **_

"_**Is he coming over"  
"I'm fine" **_

"_**I think I just need some quite, I just need to sleep I'm due at IAB first thing in the morning" **_

"_**Do you know what he said to me I want this to be the last thing you see before you die"**_

With that I was by myself, I didn't want a drink surprisingly the red wine that had helped me through the year with Lewis when Brian wasn't home or even when he wsa, the number of bottles I had finished this year more than before, or anything to eat I just wanted to forget what had happened in the past 24 hours how Lewis had somehow escaped again and gone on a murder rape rampage to get at me, to get what he wanted to get inside my head, to have that image be with me forever, just like watching him rape Mrs Mayer and unable to do anything about it, this time he had the image of him shooting himself in front of me, blowing his brains out and it was true he's inside my head he got what he wanted.

The system had let me down again, it had let me down the first time when they let Lewis off and called the mistrial, all his previous attorneys who had gotten him off, this time for letting him escape for trusting him, for falling for his charm. Lewis had again done it he had gotten what he wanted.

Lying on the lounge once Nick and Fin had left my mind going back to the events of the past 12 hours, I knew i could off died despite it all I had to save Amelia as soon as I answered that text to come and get her alone he knew that image that he sent me would get me to come to save an innocent life, me asking him where he was I knew what could happen, he could rape me, kill me torture me Lewis was sadistic and I was his target again, the only difference was this time I knew what he was like and it was my choice to go alone if I had one

Amelia was there with Lewis because of me, she was bait to get me to come and he knew my weakness holding a 12 year old hostage with the threat of raping her. I knew he would without hesitation he would rape and torture Amelia and the delight he would get in showing me what he had done, he had already killed her mother and raped her sister and tortured and burnt her to get to me, to get me to come to him.

The image of Mrs Mayer never going from my mind all the things that Lewis did to her making me watch, each time I closed my eyes I heard the scream of him burning her, I passed out in the end I couldn't watch I felt so helpless as he did what he told me he would, the fear and knowledge that he was planning to do that and more to me

Closing my eyes I couldn't sleep despite telling Brian I didn't want him to come, deep down part of me wished he would just turn up to hold me, to comfort me, to stop the nightmares and going back to it all to stop reliving the whole even to stop reliving the pain of a year ago, would I ever stop reliving it all, would he ever stop invading my thoughts, my dreams

"_**Oh**_ _**Lord, you're not having flashbacks now are you it is very common; PTSD is real" **_

"_**You lie in bed at night, and wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'm in the room with a gun to your head"**_

"_**Ðo you dream about me at all"**_

It was true even now after it all, the flashbacks keep occurring I know I will see Dr Lindstrom again but he's inside of me, inside of me head invading my thoughts

.

My thoughts continuing going back to it all, going back to the grainery and the hospital would sleep actually come to me or will the flashbacks continue I needed to have some sleep or something to face IAB tomorrow to face the whole world and questions of it all.

How I wish Brian was here holding me would he want me to tell him, I couldn't not yet, I said all I could to Fin, Nick he was there my sweet partner always looking out for me, why couldn't he and Brian get along, they tolerated each other but so much had happened between them but he was respecting him more seeing how much Brian had helped me, one step forward two steps back with those too.

Brian my boyfriend, the one person I loved more than anything I knew he loved me, and hearing those three words my heart beated faster than before I had loved him for a while, what started out as casual, someone to have the odd hook up with, to fill the bed on the cold lonely nights, someone to make me feel good about myself to be there but it was more than that, it had developed into more, I wondered at first if moving in together was just to get away from my old apartment it was cold and was where Lewis was, that both our leases were up but it was better than I imagined nice to have someone to come home too, someone to cuddle up too, it was perfect.

My mind going back to the conversation at the hospital, I didn't have family I only had Brian, the guy who Lewis had tormented me with, the one who I thought of with the gun against my head, the one who was in my thoughts up to the end when he held my head still, I wanted to call out I love you Brian but would not give Lewis that satisfaction at all, wondering if he knew knowing how last time he didn't sleep until I was found .

My mind going back to Brian again and how he used him in front of me, how he was there throughout the trial the whole time helping me through, how I could not tell him those images that would always be in my head of what he did to me, what I had to see and endure I didn't want Brian to ever have to have what I had now or then the images of what I went through what I had to see.

We had been through much together and it had drawn us together closer at one stage before we started drifting apart, through it all it made me realise how much I loved him, how much I wanted him.

"_**that cop boyfriend he must be out of the picture now, there was no chemistry between you even at the trial the few times he came you spent all your time looking at me not him" **_

I didn't even know how to get on to him, I knew Brian and he would want to come home and talk to me, make sure I was alright, be there for me that was who he was, despite the roughness about him, he was the sweetest person out, the one who held me night after night whilst i suffered the flashback and nightmare. Each time I woke up shaking, screaming sweating he would hold me tight, his hand moving around my back, making hot chocolate for us and not going back to sleep until he knew I was alright. He didn't push me to tell him about it, he was just there for me, going back to the apartment for the first time he was there, the little things he did that were so big for me, it was something that could of torn us apart but no he stuck by me even more than I ever imagined he would of and for that I was so grateful he got me through one of the darkest times of my life.

He got time off work Eileens words coming back to me _"he was there for you during the trial" _he was whilst waiting for the verdict that whole day of waiting and wondering if they believed me, the whole time wondering if he would get off, him letting me vent, struggling to get through it he calmed me down slightly he was basically just there for me, I wouldn't let him come into the trial it would be too hard reliving it with him there.

My mind going back to the grainery those last few moments etched in my brain my hands tied to the table my legs taped as if I would move or escape with Amelia there but he wanted to be in control to ensure I was his, his hands had moved from the buckle I wasn't going to fight him I was just waiting for the pain and wondering what he was going to do, would he rape or sodomise me or both and how brutal it would be

"_You just going to stand there do nothing, play possum"_ I was hoping it would work that after all these years of fighting that I was letting it happen I didn't want to think about it that I was practically again asking him to rape me that he was getting what he wanted me begging him to do it as if I would let him rape Amelia. Undoing my hand again staring up at him my eyes fixed on him knowing what ever was going to come it would be some form of torture or some way to get to me, never in a way did I imagine it would be this putting a gun to my head, watching as he took the revolver out spinning it around putting one bullet back in the fear did sink in that this was really happening

"_you're going to hell Lewis". "am I" _i should of known that it wouldn't be that easy or me so lucky

"_**alright new game, my rules".**_

Maybe having him rape me would have been better than what he put me through but I'm still here the fear that went through my body each time I held that gun to my head and pulling the trigger would this be the last time, what would he do to Amelia before they found her, would they find her.

I couldn't do it, holding it against my head I couldn't pull the trigger, then he did it pointed the gun at Amelia and there it went and he knew it, "_ok, ok don't ok I'll do it_" words something like that I said I had fear in my eyes, he wanted something I wouldn't forget he wanted something that would remain with me forever.

The horror and fear in my eyes as I saw him emptying out the bullets and leaving one in the gun, watching as he spun the chamber, you're going to hell Lewis, how I wished that first one was the one but no it couldn't be that easy, I didn't want Amelia to watch this or see what could happen.

Cragen a father figure to me the only one I had known he might have been my captain but he was also a fatherly figure to me would he regret putting me in charge, would I ever see my team mates again would they blame themselves for what I put them through.

The gun was lying on the table all I could do was stare at it, not able to pick it up

"_**Pick it up, put it to your pretty head, pull the trigger Olivia or I will"**_

The revolt I felt for him, the disbelief but worse is why did I believe in the first place that he would take me to Amelia, I knew what I was doing, I knew that I could die, he knew all along what he wanted and how to get it, Amelia was a pawn in his quest to get to me.

Picking up the gun with trembling fingers my hands shaking that grin and smile of his will be etched in my mind forever from the moment I first met him, I was the one that didn't believe him, I was the one that he couldn't do what he wanted and know I was the one who was doing what he wanted.

So many things flashed through my mind even now I can't remember then all, what went through, people I loved, people who meant the world to me, people who had put so much trust in me. I wanted to end it all now but not like this. The one thing I don't think I would ever forget was putting the gun to my head for the first time unable to pull the trigger my hand shaking waiting for the gun to go off no relief when it didn't as more was to come.

The first time it happened I had fought until the end, begging, giving him what he wanted this time I knew I could die, the last time I was doing everything to stop myself from being raped and stop myself from dying at him hands a difference to now.

"_**I want to live I'll do anything, I'll do anything" the gun held to her mouth **_

"_**you're not getting out of here alive"**_

Those words were what he wanted to hear as his hands moved to undo my buckle then, the only difference between the two was the first time I was fighting for my survival, fighting to stay alive, fighting against him it was all unknown to me i was taken against my will this time I went on my own free will knowing what he was like, what he could do to me, knowing there was a chance again that I wasn't coming out of here alive, knowing I might never see Brian or anyone again, not even telling Brian how much I wanted to be with him. Knowing my team would be looking for me, but would they ever find me did Brian even know I was missing and how long did it take

"_**this is the last thing you're going to think about, the last thing you're going to see"**_

He got his way, he got what he wanted, he won it is the last thing I'm going to see, in his sick way that bullet was for me, it was me who was meant to die yet he took the bullet was he really saving my life, is that what he wanted there was no way he was going back to jail, a place he had avoided going to for so long,

I can still feel his hand on my neck holding my head still pointing the gun to it, all I could think about was this was it, Amelia was going to witness this, I can't save her, I can't save myself, sorry to Brian and to others but more it was I hope they find Amelia soon.

My team was listening on the radio but they still hadn't found out, it was a huge place, the last person who kissed me was him, the last image in my mind was him, little did I know them that image he was putting in my head.

Each time I close my eyes I can see the gun to my head, my hands shaking as I had to pull the trigger his words echoing through my mind, staying in my mind.

"_**Do it, pull the trigger or I'll shoot you in the head do it, It's your turn" **_

"_**Pick it up, pull the trigger Olivia or I will do it now, they're coming" **_

I couldn't do it, I was standing there shaking my whole life flashing through my mind, I could not pull the trigger, he was enjoying seeing me scared I was shaking I couldn't stop how I was feeling, I couldn't even pick it up at first before the gun was trained on Amelia

so many images flashing through my mind, my whole life, my mother her voice "_did you really think you could save everyone Olivia , who were you kidding you couldn't even save yourself when you were younger what makes you think you could do it now, look at you taped to the table, a gun against your head one pointed at you, what good are you, going off on your own did you really think you could do it all on your own" _

my eyes opening wide looking around coming back to the present, I was safe in our apartment but I didn't feel safe Lewis was dead wasn't he, it is what it is even dead he is still haunting me.

Sleep wasn't going to come to me anytime soon, everything was still be replaying in my head I was right back to the grainery each time I closed my eyes all those images were being relived one by one, each moment it is the last thing, I could hear him pulling the gun his blood splattering all over me, the shock but relief it wasn't me, it should have been me, Lewis saved me and how at that moment and even now I hated him for that fact that the bullet in his sick game was meant for me and he took it. I should of known there was no way he would go back to jail to face another trial where he would lose, he was the winner here though and this time I wasn't. He knew how to get me he used his left hand to shoot himself making it look like I had done it.

Trembling curling up into a ball "it should have been me, do what you have to do"

This time I was by myself I didn't have Brian holding me against his chest, stroking my hair, making me the hot chocolate, just his presence during those worse moments knowing I wasn't alone, I knew it was hard for him dealing with the nightmares, the flashbacks and not knowing me not opening up, but I was so grateful for him in my life and more than anything I did wish he was here now.

My mind going back to the hospital when I spoke to Brian the nurse breaking me out of the flashbacks I was having hearing a voice that wasn't Lewis, mine or Amelias my eyes opening coming back to the present then looking around the room, my eyes falling on the nurse I was safe I was in hospital but this nightmare was anything but over.

"Sergeant a phone call for you" the phone in her hand holding it out to me

Trying to muster the strength shaking my head "I don't want to speak to anyone" and I didn't Nick was there for a while but left to be with the others whilst I was given tablets. Something for my heart and calm me down. My heart was racing his blood over my face that image will stay for a long time the feeling of his blood over me, him over me all I wanted to do was get his blood off my face

Lying on the bed it was then the phone call came my voice firm "all reporting goes through someone else, there is no one I want to talk to"

The nurse still persistent "he says he is your boyfriend Detective Brian Cassidy"

Reaching out for the phone I knew if I didn't speak to him he would only worry and that could lead him coming to New York I had spoken to him when Lewis escaped and he wanted to come back then, he wanted me to go to him to get out of New York somewhere safe, but I couldn't Lewis escaped for me and I wasn't going to let innocent people get killed again when I could do something and not be helpless and watch it all happen.

Trying to keep her voice cheerful "Hey Bri, I'm fine, I'm ok" even though I'm not I didn't want him to worry.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

_**I had this extra long and now it is still long as I keep adding bits to it, Brian's part is next. I had only parts where she thought of Brian but I ended up adding more into it, but broken up as her thoughts went back **_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Thank you for the reviews and sorry it has taken so long to put up the next chapter, was working on a new fanfic which is different to anything I have done before and is dark. So the others have been gone a bit, but want to finish at least one of two of them before I put a new one up**_

_**Enjoy**_

_**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**_

_**BRIAN CASSIDY**_

Being undercover was tough he was missing Liv he was keeping his mind occupied on the job, this came more natural than being a detective but his love for Olivia had stopped him going back UC except for the smaller jobs where he was away for up to a week.

Hearing a voice yell out "Talk about police brutality, hope they throw the book at her"

His ears pricking up walking out hearing a voice he knew so well he didn't need to hear the others talk he knew her by name, he was trying to listen to what she was saying trying to show no emotion about the person he cared and loved more than anything . He loved seeing her in uniform but trying to keep the worry off his face and out of his voice the concern there, what the fuck was going on the volume on the television as she spoke

"_my name is Sergeant Olivia Benson of NYPD and on the sixth of January this year I testified in the state Supreme Court trial of William Lewis and on that day under oath I swore that when I beat him with a metal bar he had broken free of his handcuffs and I only used the force necessary to subdue him that was a lie. The truth is when I beat Mr Lewis fracturing his skull, and orbital socket, shattering his kneecap breaking multiple ribs causing permanent damage he was handcuffed, he and I were alone and he offered no resistance and I was not in danger the assault was nothing less than police brutality and excessive force I apologise for the inhumanity of my actions and my perjury. Since William Lewis was convicted based on my testimony I request that ADA Rafeal Barba inform the judiciary committee of my actions and take the appropriate steps to rectify the injust conviction of Mr Lewis. I make the statement of my own volition under no duress and under no coercion under no expectation that there be a quid quote on Mr Lewis I'm sorry I didn't come forward earlier" _

"Sergeant Olivia Benson, hey wasn't she the one who was kidnapped by that guy and there was some trial where he went to jail, now here she is on national Television saying police brutality, bet she lied about what happened to her too"

Clenching and unclenching his fists at his side taking all his self control not to say something, to punch them or more. Of course they had no idea what affect Lewis had on Olivia, how she had nightmares for months and only just now stopped having them, how she never talked about it, how he had tortured her to what degree he would never know, how he did something that would live with her for ever, how it changed her from a carefree person to one who would look over her shoulders, be on guard all the time. How badly she was injured afterwards no of course they had no idea that she did not deserve it or she lied about it.

Hearing her speak on television something was going on and he needed to speak to her trying to act like it meant nothing was harder than he thought when it was the woman he was in love with something was going on and damn Tucker for not getting in contact with him, trying to keep his voice neutral

"Hope she gets what's coming to her then, police they think they can do anything and get away with it"

Watching her on the screen she looked great in her uniform and it was taking all his self control to control himself from going hard.

It was a while before he was able to go back to his place, dialling the number he knew so well relief in his voice when she answered "Liv, what is going on I saw you on the news, what is this about Lewis"

"Brian….. Lewis has escaped from Rikers" he could hear the worry in her voice that she was trying to hide

His voice frantic "what, how have they caught him" even as he said that he knew they wouldn't have

Sighing "it's a long story how it all happened but he was taken to hospital and escaped from there, they have been searching for him, but you know Lewis"

He did know Lewis "I'm coming back Liv"

"Bri, you can't come back, what about your UC work, I'll be fine I've got protective detail and I'm surrounded by people here. I'll be alright. You just stay safe there and don't worry about me" her voice firm

Frustration in his voice "how can I not worry when I am here and you're there"

Snapping at him "There is nothing you can do Bri"

Her words stabbing him in the chest, he was her boyfriend, he should be used to her by now back to police mode the frustration in his voice "fuck Liv I'm your boyfriend I should be there"

She didn't want to do this she knew he would want to come back, she knew he hated being so far away but there was nothing he could do that wasn't already done

"Bri if you were here, he could use you to get to me" a shiver passing through her "if anything happened to you especially because of him I don't know what I would do. You mean so much to me and I know you want to help, but it's not like last time I know more about him now, what he's like I'll be okay babe. I …."

He could hear the distraction in her voice "Sorry Bri I have to go now, I'll be alright"

"Love you Liv"

With that he could hear the nothing she was gone and here he was so far away to try to cope with it all

Hitting his fist against the wall the frustration there, despite what she said Lewis still had a hold over her.

Turning on the television going through all the channels nothing just as he was about to turn it off he hears the name Lewis, he needs to find out more, what was this about Lewis do not approach him armed and dangerous 12 year old missing _"The suspect is considered armed and dangerous, don't approach him do not try to apprehend. If you see William Lewis call 911 or the hotline. Once again the suspect is armed and very dangerous. The department will not rest until he is apprehended thank you"_

He had no idea who this guy was talking he hadn't seen him in SVU before, had he taken over SVU Olivia no doubt being the target was taken off the case which would annoy her, he knew her she wanted to be involved she wouldn't want to stand back and do nothing.

Going to his Ipad there had to be something on one of the cop sites, he had to know more know what was happening, banging the walls in frustration he had to get back to New York he had to be with her.

Scrolling through them all his eyes open wide frozen on the spot reading it over again "the mother was found dead murdered in the apartment with the signs of previous attacks coat hangers, keys and cigarette butts. The eldest daughter who is 14 was found hanging barely alive in the cupboard and is in surgery after being brutally raped by William Lewis. Her 12 year old sister Amelia is no where to be found and has been kidnapped by William Lewis. Police are still looking for them."

Running his hands down his face screaming "fuck fuck fuck shit Liv"

A 12 year old he was going to use her as bait to get to Olivia and he knew her that she would never let a child get hurt or killed because of her she would do anything to get her back and that scared him.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

He tossed and turned all night he wondered why he even tried to sleep, each time he closed his eyes he could see Olivia after her ordeal with Lewis, walking out of the bathroom cutting her hair, the shaking and waking up trembling, the fear in her eyes, just before his trial walking out of the bedroom when she pulled the gun on him, now here he was hours away from her and she had to deal with Lewis by herself, or with Amaro. The way he felt when Amanda was talking about his previous victims raping, torturing "_So he lets them all live" _only that gave him some hope would she be able to come back if he let her live

He couldn't sleep he didn't know why he was even trying to again, he set the alert from the cop site for any news about William Lewis or Olivia hearing it go off looking at his watch midnight, his only hope was they had caught him.

He couldn't move he was frozen, his eyes wouldn't move from the screen he had to read it over and over again "_Olivia Benson is missing, she had skipped from her protective detail and hijacked a town car"_

Looking up at the ceiling closing his eyes "shit Liv what are you doing No" even as he asked that question he knew the answer she was going to end this thing with Lewis once and for all and that scared him more than he wanted to admit he had never loved anyone the way he loved her

He continued to scroll down reading "_the town car has been found, along with her vest, mobile phone and gun, but no sign of Sergeant Benson, the search is still on to try and find her_"

He was glued to his Ipad there was no way sleep was going to come to him not when Olivia was missing, he knew what she had done, as he knew what Lewis could do to her and without the backup, he wondered if she would be as lucky this time as he was aware that Lewis would have one thing on his mind revenge as Olivia was the one and only person who had been able to put him away in jail, the one who caught him the one who he was pretty sure he couldn't break and this time he knew that he would try anything to get to her.

He didn't care what time it was he was going to tell Tucker he could stick this job, he should never of taken it in the first place, he never should of left her, would she have still gone if he was there with her, hearing it go to voice message "Tucker, its Cassidy call me NOW, I'm out of here, I need to get back to New York"

Tossing his phone across the room, damn Liv, why did she have to do this, he knew that answer it was who she was and she could never let an innocent person get hurt especially when it was her he was after.

Running his hands through his hair before hitting the wall the frustration everything was building up, he had given up on sleep a while ago knowing it was hopeless and he wouldn't be able to sleep until he knew Olivia was safe and okay. He had never felt so scared or frightened before even on all his undercover gigs he didn't care what had happened, even when he was shot, his main concern was Olivia and he would put his own life ahead of hers and he didn't want to imagine a life without her.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Arriving in the morning, he had the scruffy look down no sleep the worry about his girlfriend and now trying to forget it all having to delete the websites and alerts from his Ipad and no way to know what was happening to Olivia.

"That cop she killed the guy, blood over her face, bet she would try to cover that up too, she goes rogue cop and kills him"

The relief he felt was overwhelming but it didn't last long he was here and Olivia was in New York going through this by herself, he knew Nick would be by her side and as much as he hated that, he was slightly glad she had someone and her squad would be there for her but he should be there.

Hearing his phone ring, walking outside "Tucker what's happening with Liv"

"You've heard then"

His eyes moving around trying to keep the anger out of his voice and his voice low "it's all over the news of course I've heard shit Tucker, I'll leave this fucking job if you don't tell me how Liv is doing and explain how all this happened"

His voice remaining calm and irritating to him "Liv is in hospital now, she seems okay, Cassidy that is what we are trying to find out, Lewis was shot dead is all we know for the time being and Olivia is in hospital getting treated. I'll let you know more as soon as we find out"

Gritting his teeth together "I'm going to get to New York as quick as I can"

"Cassidy stay where you are, do not fuck up this investigation" he could hear the firmness and arrogance in his voice

Walking out to his car "you can fill me in what happened to her whilst I am driving back, fuck tucker this is my girlfriend you are talking about. The one you have sent me away for a few months from. I'll be back here tomorrow morning but you better not try to keep me away from seeing how Liv is doing"

He could hear the resignation in his voice "you better be back there first thing in the morning Cassidy, and if you fuck this up"

"you'll what Tucker, take my shield off me again, I've nearly reached my twenty and at this moment I don't give a fuck what you do to me as Olivia is all that matters, got that" exploding before hanging up the phone.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo

_**This is sort of what I hoped could of happened when Nick mentioned Cassidy and she replied I'm fine. Would of loved Brian to turn up just for a night to hold and comfort her. Oh I miss Bensidy. **_

_**Hope you enjoy it and please review it **_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Here is the next chapter finally, I did lose interest in writing this in a way as I didn't think people were interested in it and still unsure, so have a few more chapters that I will publish and probably finish then **_

_**The next few chapters I will probably put up quicker as they are all written **_

_**Enjoy it **_

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was amazing that he had arrived in New York in one piece he had driven non stop even if he only saw her for a few hours it was all he needed.

Calling the hospital the relief he felt hearing her voice, the voice that was tired though and full of exhaustion, he wasn't going to tell her, he would surprise her. The thought of losing her he couldn't think of that he would leave the operation if he had to.

"Bri, I'm fine"

He knew better than to believe her, how often had he heard her say those words after Lewis, when she was anything but fine but didn't want to admit it, wanted to keep people at a distance not to show a weakness.

"Brian I will be okay, I just wanted to hear your voice though. Lewis is dead"

"Liv, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, that you are going through this without me"

Closing her eyes his voice was what she needed "It's okay it really is, I understand that you are undercover Brian, Nick has been with me and Fin"

The tightening in his chest that Nick was there instead of him "I just wish it was me babe"

"Brian I know I understand it's okay" even as she said those words she knew it was she didn't want to talk about it, she didn't want to open up about it.

OOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

It had taken a few hours but finally he had arrived at their apartment, pulling up in the first park he could find he hurried up the stairs.

He thought about calling her instead he slightly opened the door, seeing her lying on the lounge

"_**I can rape you first and Amelia watch or Amelia and you watch" **_

"_**Do it, pull the trigger or I'll shoot you in the head do it, it's your turn" **_

_**The gun against her head she had to pull the trigger her whole body shaking**_

"_**They're not going to believe you now, they're going to believe that you shot me in cold blood execution style" **_

"_**Say goodbye Olivia this is the last thing you're going to think about before you die" **_

_**His hand holding her chin and head still the gun pointing at her**_

"_**the last thing you're going to see" **_

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

Feeling a touch on her arms "Nick I told you to go home I'd be alright"

"Sshhh babe I'm here I've got you I'm here now"

That voice was not Nick not it couldn't be "Bri is that really you" it didn't matter that she had told him not to come all that mattered was he was here holding her

"Liv" he sighed dropping quickly to his knees

'Liv babe, I'm so sorry" he whispered into her ear as he pulled her into a soft embrace

Leaning against him burrowing into his chest wanting the comfort that only he could offer her she didn't want to let go of him, despite thinking she didn't want him there, she did more than anything just to hold onto him.

Putting his hands underneath her, slowly carrying her to the bedroom, looking up at his tear stained face the pain on it "I'm right here Liv, at least for the time being"

"when do you need to go back" she sighed not wanting to admit how much she had wanted him

Looking at his tear stained face his eyes were full of questions, ones she wasn't ready to answer yet but concern there too, but she couldn't bring herself to talk about it, she said a few things to Nick and Fin but she just wasn't ready to talk about it all, she had to face IAB tomorrow.

Kissing her forehead softly "early tomorrow morning but I'll stay longer Liv, I won't leave if you want me to stay"

"I'm sorry Brian" she stuttered a sad smile on her face

Moving onto the bed pulling her shaking body against him "Liv you have nothing to apologise about" he admired her strength endurance, even after everything she had been through she was still the most beautiful women he knew

Tuckering her hair behind her ear "I'll be right here all night, I'm not going anywhere"

"I just want to snuggle into you" sighing against him

Stroking her hair "Liv if I had lost you" he couldn't finish the sentence he didn't want to imagine that she had experienced the same feeling, when she had the gun to her temple the thought that she would never see Brian again, tears welling up in her eyes "I'm here"

A smile coming "Yeah you're here and I am too"

Looking up at him slowly stroking his cheek "thank you for coming back, I didn't want you to feel obligation too"

Shaking his head a sad smile now on his face "You're insane Liv, I never feel obligated to you, damn woman don't you know how totally in love with you I am"

Leaning against his chest feeling safe and secure she did know and at that moment in time it didn't matter about anything in the past he was here for her now and she loved him more now than she did before

"Can you just hold me all night" her voice sad and soft

Kissing the top of her head "I'm not letting go of you Liv"

Her fingers outlining his lips, shaking her head the tears forming in her eyes as she sees Lewis turn her head around kissing her roughly on the lips before his hands move to her buckle. Her body started shaking as the tears started falling down her face.

Holding Olivia tightly all he could imagine what she went through, he wasn't going to push her to open up, all he could hope that in her own time maybe she might tell him part of it.

Through her sobs "the last thing he said to me was this is the last thing you will ever think about, the last thing you will ever see, then he shot himself"

His hand running through her hair tucking the stray bit behind her ear kissing on top of her head choking on his words "I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this babe, especially by yourself"

Burrowed into his chest "you're here now and that is all that matters"

Leaning his chin against her head his hand running down her arm she was the strongest person he knew and she had only started getting her life back again, he could only hope that Lewis being dead would bring her some closure.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_**What would I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in, and you kicking me out**_

_**You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down What's going on in that beautiful mind I'm on your magical mystery ride And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright**_

_**'Cause all of me Loves all of you Love your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections**_

_**Give your all to me I'll give my all to you You're my end and my beginning Even when I lose I'm winning 'Cause I give you all of me And you give me all of you, ohoh**_

_**How many times do I have to tell you Even when you're crying you're beautiful too The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood You're my downfall, you're my muse**_

_**My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you**_

_**'Cause all of me Loves all of you Love your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections Give your all to me I'll give my all to you You're my end and my beginning**_

_**Even when I lose I'm winning 'Cause I give you all of me And you give me all of you, ohoh**_

_**All of me, the words are so perfect for this. **_


	8. Chapter 8

She had woken up so many times through out the night reliving each moment of the previous day, seeing Amelia hanging there, her sister Lauren in the hospital hearing what Lewis had done to her, him groping her his hands moving to the buckle and the game of Russian Roulette the gun to her head thinking she would never see Brian or anyone again.

Each time she woke up shaking and trembling, his arms were there around her, pulling her towards him as she snuggled into his warm embrace. Again when she needed him the most he was there for her. What had started as a casual affair mainly about sex had grown into more, and she didn't know what she would do without him then and now

Her tear stained face looking up at him in the early hours of the morning after a nightmare "thank you for coming back Bri, you don't know how much I appreciate it and how much I need this" she stuttered through her tears.

His fingers wiping away the tears on her face his voice soft trying to ease her but he was breaking too "I'm just sorry I wasn't here for you earlier babe and you don't have to thank me, I'd do anything for you, I love you so much"

Snuggling into him "you don't have to apologise Brian this isn't your fault I know now that you would prefer to be here with us, and you are here now when I need you and that is all that matters, knowing how much you love me and how much I love you"

Kissing the top of her head "I will always love you Liv, no one has or ever will measure up to you. You've the only I've always wanted ever since I met you 15 years ago" wrapping his arms around her "no more talking, you need your sleep for IAB tomorrow"

Her hand moving slowly down to his, slipping her fingers through his, she felt safe and secure with Brian her voice soft "sorry for waking you up, you have a long drive back again in the morning"

Squeezing her hand "don't worry about me Liv, just as long as you're ok"

"mm, with you I am" mumbling as her eyes close.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo

He hated leaving her, he wanted to stay longer he stayed as long as he could before he had to make the three and a half hour drive back there.

He tried to make as little noise as possible moving around the bedroom. Picking up his clothes to take out to the lounge

"Where are you going?" her voice sleepy

Kissing the top of her head "sorry I didn't want to wake you until I had to leave, I was going out to the lounge to get dressed so I didn't disturb you"

Moving onto her side to watch him "what and miss seeing you get dressed, your toned muscular chest and firm bum I miss touching them"

Pulling the shirt over his head before putting his legs through the jeans "I miss touching you too Liv, but just lying with you in my arms is enough at the moment, I miss that. Want me to make you breakfast before I leave"

"mmmmmm yemmmmmm" the sleepily mummbly reply

Kissing the top of her head "I'll let you sleep a few more hours babe. I'm sorry I can't stay longer I miss you so much and can't wait to see you again. I'll call you as soon as I can tonight to see how you are"

Sitting up on the bed the words seemed inadequate "Thank you Brian, you driving all this way back just for a few hours, I miss you too. I'll see you in a couple of weeks"

Blinking back the tears in his eyes he didn't want to leave her, he wanted to be with her kneeling next to the bed reaching for her hand "if you need me at all, let Tucker know, I'll come back straight away"

Nodding she felt herself being choked up by tears "I know you will but I'll be ok now Brian, even though I said not to come I was ok, you still did and that means more to me than anything and I will be ok, you drive safely and take care"

Wiping away her tears feeling his own start to fall "Love you Liv I can't believe I waited so long to tell you that when I knew months ago"

Her fingers wiping away his tears "I love you too Brian and have for a long time" sadly already missing him

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo

Listening to the door closing behind Brian despite telling him not to come he still travelled all that way to ensure she was alright. She still had a long way to go and was off to see Lindstrom again today, Lewis was still inside her head, still tormenting her but having Brian even there for the one night, the one night that she really needed him not asking any questions, not wanting to know the details just to hold her and make her feel safe and secure.

Each time she woke up from a horrible nightmare he was there soothing her, helping her again. He might not want to grow old and have a family with her but he loved her and showed her more than that last night and she knew now that she wanted to be with him, that he put her in front of his own job and life and that meant more to her than he would ever know.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

Dialling Tuckers number "Tucker I'm on my way back, let me know what you find out about Lewis and Liv"

Tossing the phone back on the passenger seat his thoughts going back to the previous months, how did their relationship get to where it was would this set it back more, would they be okay only time would tell but would she finally open up to him.


End file.
